happiness

happiness

08.22.04 (12:50 pm)   [edit]
what to do... what to do... i cant help doing this... i haven't written much in the last two weeks. i have been too occupied getting to know people again. even though i am not being fanatical about my personality type i think it is cool that i am able to understand people so much better now. for instance i am not worried that many people who i meet dont talk to me much because they see me as arrogant and too good for them. i am not really, i just expect that people can always improve. this conflicts with people who dont have any desire to improve themselves. i see these people to be the most arrogant really. i know that people like me (aka. INTJ peoples) have intentions behind what we do. i see that are vitally important. for instance. people like this will tend to gloss over details that i am forever writing on in here.

anyway... im not too worried about the rest of the world. as far as i can tell they all think i am weird and thats how i like it.

i have been thinking over what i could possibly do for the rest of my life that would not leave me bored. i have a feeling that philosophy would actually leave me unsatisfied because progress is way too slow. psychology has progress at a decent pace. information technology research would be interesting too although i am not sure that i would like it for long enough. i want a job where people dont get bogged down in little definitions like philosophers do. thought is good but systems are better. complex interactions are better than trying to define the concrete parts of out world. i can leave others to be worried about that stuff.

some people find it more than just highly annoying that i can discern motives faster than most and catch onto concepts faster than others. for instance, i will be in a group conversation and someone will say something and i will get the concept and run with it but neglect to verbalise the whole pattern that i used to arrive at my conclusion. this will leave them feeling disorientated since i am not one for small talk (i will go through entire methods when i am teaching someone something but it is a bit tiresome to teach everyone something when i have thoughts that are being bottled up in my head). anyway, they will ask a question and spend the next five minutes reviewing background on the topic and confirming steps in between before i can continue with the initial thought that i had on the topic.

it is extremely invigorating to be in a group of people where i am either not the only one or i am actually one of the slower people (not all that often this happens). i am extremely interested in harmless word plays or wordplays that muck with peoples minds in a non-serious type way. i dont like mucking with peoples minds if i think that they wont be able to handle it or that they will be damaged by it but... if i think that they are either that naive that it wont sink in anyway or i have a genuine thought that they will get improvement from me saying something then i have no qualms about saying things. i pity people who have to have specific premade decisions for these type of situations. i guess the one good thing that you could say about them is that they wont be hypocritical. the actual levels of their decisions are very low though. i dont rely on rules for my decision making, or at least not set in concrete rules. analysis of a problem is one of the most important skills that i have developed in my life. i was actually telling kristin and chris last night that i thought everyone should do systems analysis and design (at least in a not information technology specific way) because it develops thought patterns. true most of the information technology students around this place aren't the type to actually get a whole heap out of it. even the teacher we had for the second part was not really that up on process. i guess he has been working in the information technology area for so long that he only knows specifics now. the science students are actually the most interesting people around. as forward as some of them are with their concept of truth in every situation some of them have developed some skills that are independent of their high class physics skills so they can interpret other situations and gain alot out of the particular situation they are in.

i get really annoyed with people who just stew on information without coming to conclusions or at least using their knowledge. this will be both highly enlightening to people because they are actually quite like me and may seem aloof to some whereas people at least see part of me as long as i have respect for them. many many people seem to take my absolute lack of respect for many people to be hatred and anger and are constantly trying to tell me that i should talk to them about it and deal with it. unlike these people who are always stewing it seems, i think that i can deal with things and still not have respect for people who do these things. i find no sympathy in going to someone who quite obviously hasn't developed and saying to them "hey... what can you do to hurt me today" id rather just not talk at all than have to talk to these people. luckily there aren't many of these people in my close surroundings here at college. there are a few and i think that they are pretty much common enemies of most people in the group who hang around because of one of two acquaintances or because they are womanisers who actually think what they are doing is normal. i think in one way that it is funny that so many females are blinded by "love" in situations where they are given lots of attention. personally i just let them do what they want to do and if they get over the person than at least i know a bit more about their personality. on the other hand, if they get in too deep and "cant get out" then what am i to do anyway. there are people around who can help people in situations like this.

i am more reserved about actually giving out opinions on people. i make opinions quite fast and with some people they can turn solid quite quickly. i do not think of it as turning judgement on someone in a normal sense since i dont tell people about it (thats what i diary is for). it is still judgement though because i act differently around some people. i dont want to verbalise my feelings to all but the closest people and when these people dont verbalise anything back or dont catch what i am saying then i get discouraged and tend to slow communication down and hold in too many things. i have learnt where to put these things though. in the place where i feel most comfortable. to myself. there is not doubt about it. i feel most comfortable talking to myself about things of consequence. anyone else and you will not have the entire logic stream that you can have thinking over soemthing to yourself. i must admit that there are times for talking to people about things and i recognise that since others have different viewpoints but when people try to reach a group consensus for a problem i am not as comfortable. its not that i dont think a truth exists, or even that truth is dependent on the person but rather that without links in the chain the result that i have obtained might mean nothing to someone else yet. group consensus to me seems to have elements of getting people to levels unnaturally and that they will fall back to where they really are after anyway. i would rather lead people up (or be led up as the case sometimes may be). people must learn to have a certain level of autonomy.

i dont sympathise at all with people who say that "someone else gives me happiness". i think they are absolutely delusional. the main reason i neglected to follow through with one particular thing last year was due to my lack of understanding of myself. i know when most people are lying (at least after a reasonable amount of time around them). i do not always make it known that i realise this though. i think that peoples true nature can be derived from many things. people who dont focus on what is deeper will not understand this for themselves. i find too many people who care too much about my happiness but not enough about what i really need. it is hard for me to describe what i really need but constant reevaluations as well as not dredging up things from the past are probably the best way. i take people i have respect for as different all the time. for instance my closest and longest friends would have to do many many more stupid things before i lost any respect for them. i think that by knowing peoples weaknesses i can actually respect them more. people who do not let me know their weaknesses are risking my friendship because surprises, particularly after a year or two of knowing someone can knock my respect level down. i dont think people should be ashamed of their weaknesses. i think people who judge people based on their weaknesses are hypocrits and lack self esteem. that said... i judge myself based on my weaknesses while taking into account the many strengths that i have at the same time.

keeping things in perspective is very important. is life really that important. i think not... some say that life is the most important thing we can have. the loss of a loved one might bring to the surface many many feelings that people who dont understand me well enough think that i couldn't possibly have. i have never actually had anyone close to me die. this is a huge miracle really. i have two huge immediate families in my parents brothers and sisters. my grandparents are all alive as are all of my cousins, to my current knowledge.

i am still happy overall and i think that i can improve where i still need to improve.