why i am so silly around most people i know

why i am so silly around most people i know

07.26.04 (11:28 pm)   [edit]
well... as usual... this disclaimer is that this is not the complete sotry.. if you wnat to know the complete story call me or talk to me sometime and i will try again to explain it to you... if you still dont know then chances are im probably being silly just to hide my inner self from you..


anyway... to start off... i will say first up there is only one person who has ever looked into my eyes and made me freak out (at least for a second) because i realised that they were looking inside me, and i inside them. i dont know how important it was for this person but it is still something i am really interested in (along with last night/this mornings post on my missing childhood)

i dont know if i want to talk to this person further because i dont inherently trust them. maybe its just a talent that we both have for staring into peoples eyes to analyse them. if this person reads this and i am not sure they ever will but... please tell me what you saw and whether it was scary as i probably was!!!

i am silly around most people because i am a person of sharp extremes... true i am mostly moderate but when it comes to serious things... i am either into a conversation or i am not..

there are many people who have learnt this the hard way... please... i dont know what i can possibly do about it... i am either going to talk or i am not... and if i am not 99.9 percent of the time it wasn't a problem with you in the first place... for my sake and yours dont make it your problem... i hope that doesn't sound harsh... it wasn't meant to be... but i am very very serious saying that... i am silly around everyone i trust though... most people i dont trust realise this... that is why it is one of the most damaging things to tell me that you dont trust me... i dont mind people not trusting me but actually saying it has one of the worst effects on me that you would ever realise... i am inherently naive with these things. i like to think that a naive trust at first is good... unfortunately there are many people who have gotten over this and seem not to understand what it is or have built barricades against it and refuse to accept that i can actually have a naive trust...

true... trust has to be built on something but why not play around in the clouds while the foundations are being built and then hop onto the sky scraper coming through the clouds and go from there.

how the foundations are built isn't really of interest to me... i know its from experiences... little things... trust exercises... things like that all count as well as understanding that i dont do things intentionally to hurt people as an exercise... try to get meaning out of all i do... including the things and probably most importantly the things that make you want to kill me... they are usually the ones where i am trying my hardest to show myself to you and have resorted to that because everything else isn't working. of course as a disclaimer... dont expect me to acknowledge that in person... this as everyone says.. is a very different world. that does not mean that i am myself here anymore than in person.. it is my complement in here... along with my diary this is the most personal i get with people...

i dont understand why everyone puts so much significance on talking as *the* medium for exchange. i rather writing for many of my thoughts because talking like i can here (in a sense) is just confusing for people... believe me... i have tried to talk to people like this and they end up with the opposite impression to that which i am trying to give. also it hurts me when people say that i am less of a person because i cannot talk about things like everyone else seems to be able to.. apart from not growing up like that i am not that person inherently.. i like accuracy in everything i do... including communication... interpretation is not bad... just that if i am sure that i am not just rambling on trying to get my head around things in a personal conversation i think that the desired effect is always going to be pretty hard to get out.

i love rambling on IM though as people most surely know... the ability to correct oneself accurately and not have to focus on remembering what one said two minutes or fifteen minutes ago is a good thing. i use my logic section so much that my memory hardly ever keeps up... thats one reason why i like this... if i really feel like i need to go back and remember something i have said i can go back... to date i haven't gone back through either this or the tens of thousands of words in my diaries yet... just thinking about that makes me tired... i may in the future when whats in the diaries can no longer hurt anyone let others read them or maybe even read them again myself.

i believe in self help and autonomy (to a point) to be very important in absolutely everything one does.. being an introvert may be one of the reasons for this but from experience, apart from conversations with people who i totally trust (of which there aren't actually that many). as i have probably said before and i will say again... people should know themselves and try to accept more about what they know all the time. counsellors have a place but i think that God is the ultimate counsellor... followed by that thing called logic and experience in your own head.

i know that there are many people (infact... most of the world) who believe more in actions than words and true motives and more in feelings than thoughts as well as more who believe in written words having less power than the spoken word. thats a shame... i will try to understand you but i believe its best if we both understand each other... one of the reasons i find it so hard is that i lose respect for people for many reasons...

i respect standing up for yourself... i dont respect pushing people down to make yourself seem taller.

i respect telling through most means what you are feeling.. i dont respect uncontrolled anger and violence. (thats unacceptable!!!)

i respect being able to have naive trust for everyone... i dont respect people who make it their mission to take that down just because they have lost it for whatever reasons.

i respect people who get up and tell their testimonies in front of people. i dont respect people who diss them for it or people who try to tell me i have to do it to get better. (in a way i am doing it here anyway and thats fine with me)

i respect people who dont have trust for me but want to work on things. i dont accept people trying to get pity from me as part of the trust process. (pity has a place once trust is there. i dont pity people i know brought things onto themselves... unrelated???... it was something i had to say)

i respect that people may naturally take the things i have said to heart and dwell on them as if i have said every word to them... i dont respect people who try to understand me from a post like this if they know they cant handle all i have to say... if needed take a paragraph a day (or week) and work on it.

pretty much all you ever need to know to get along with me is in the above post. along with the How To Love an INTJ, i think that sums it up... now i have to think about what the next phase will be... any ideas would be appreciated... i think i am graduating from the early getting to know you phase of blogging